Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!
I know you don't know me but I was hoping to be your mommy here on earth. We lived very far away from each other but I saw your pictures and I knew how your little heart was struggling. I also knew that we were supposed to be part of our family. Your pictures showed us such personality and it wasn't hard for me to imagine you playing with your big brother David and your little sister Jessie. You were going to change our lives. We were probably going to be spending a little more time in the hospital but you were totally worth it.
When I got the call on January 13th that you had died I felt my heart break as I sunk to my knees. Why in the world had God brought us to this momentous decision only to yank you from us a mere two days later? Why did your little heart keep beating for almost 3 years only to give up right before you would find out that you had a family? You see, that's the part that I hate the most. I hate that you never knew that you were chosen and that a mommy and daddy were coming for you. I know that you were very young and perhaps too young to ever comprehend all that… but I just wanted you to know! I think that your caretakers loved you… but not the way your momma would have!
Now instead of experiencing a momma's love, you get to experience Jesus's love which is infinitely better, I know. I can picture you running into Jesus's arms, pink skin (not blue) and heart pumping strong. So I can't be sad for a life lost because your's is just beginning. Someday I will get to hold you in my arms and I will introduce myself as your mommy… but you'll probably already know.
Until then we have faith that God's plan continues for our family. I do not say that he has a "different" plan for us because you were ALWAYS part of the original one. As we studied your heart we felt ours soften. You helped us to become more compassionate, less selfish and more reliant on God than ever before. Some dear people have tried to comfort us by saying things like, "Maybe God was closing a door." or "This was obviously not the child God has chosen for you." But that is absolutely not true! This was a door we had to walk through because God had chosen you to be ours… if only for a few moments. Those are moments I would never give back.
Now as we search for our next child we do it with hearts that have been forever touched by you, our little Chinese Peanut in Heaven. Thank you for holding on until we found you.
Love,
Your Mommy
