Mmmm….Pumpkin Spice Latte...

What I wouldn't give for a Pumpkin Spice Latte right now…I know, they're apparently terrible for you but it is a gorgeous cool fall day and for once in my life I am not mourning the end of summer because it is going to be a monumental autumn here in the Runyan household. If all goes according to plan we should be traveling to China in early November and in case you haven't looked at your calendar lately that is very soon. This means that we are in the end stages of this adoption. We are really just waiting for our travel date which should come in the next week or so. Samuel's bed is in the basement waiting to be assembled, we know what size clothes and shoes he'll be wearing, we've added another chair to our dining room table (to help prepare the kids) and this is suddenly becoming REALLY REALLY REAL. Our mindset is changing from a family of 4 to a family of 5. I'm not feeling totally prepared but I'm also not feeling totally unprepared and I think that's about as prepared as you can hope to be in a situation so full of unknowns. We are incredibly blessed to have an adoption agency who takes adoption education very seriously and we are doing our homework. Literally. 

I can't believe it has been a year since we started this whole process. Here is the first picture that we ever saw of Samuel.

And here is a picture of Samuel taken last month.

He is growing up! Nowadays Andy & I are trying to be very intentional about spending time with our kiddos doing fun stuff. For a couple of months after bringing Sam home we are going to be hunkered down as a family not going much of anywhere and while this is necessary it will probably also be kind of "boring" for our bio kids after a couple of weeks. The holidays are going to look a bit different this year that's for sure. 
It is an exciting time (understatement of the year) and it is a terrifying time (again…understatement) Why am I even trying to make statements? There are no words to describe this. Most days my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. I'm trying to process it all and trying not to get consumed with the "what ifs." It will not be easy (but nothing worth anything ever is.) I know that God led us to this place. He has led us to Samuel, our son, and the "what ifs" fade away in light of that. 
 We have amazing friends and family supporting us and asking how they can help. I can't really answer that, however, because I don't really have a clue what we're going to need when it comes down to it. I imagine us eating a lot of frozen pizza. I guess if you happen to know other families who have adopted just go ahead and ask them what we're going to need (a pumpkin spice latte might be a good place to start…I'm just saying…) 

"Sam the Man"

I am so excited to finally be able to introduce to you the newest member of our family.  It took us forever to come up with the "perfect" name but after MANY discussions and after talking to the little video clip we have of him on our computer he finally agreed with us that his name is "Samuel Arthur." :-)  Fine. He may not have said it outright but I knew what he meant. Andy & I really wanted his name to have a strong meaning. "Samuel" means "God has heard." It doesn't get any better then that. We chose "Arthur" in honor of Andy's great grandfather as well as in honor of my great uncle Art who was very special to me.   

So we have actually known about Samuel (Sam, Sammy, Samster) for a while now but I just couldn't quite find a chunk of time to write this "Hey here's our awesome kid who we haven't met yet but are totally in love with!" blog post. I have to be honest...words kind of fall short. Some of you reading this have been in this place and can totally relate. I have heard it described as being "pregnant without a due date." That feels pretty true right now. 

Samuel is 3 years old. Hey guess what? We already have a 3 year old. So we're gonna kinda sorta have twins. This is both exciting and terrifying as most big important things are. David understands all of this as much as his little mind can at this point. He thinks he's ready to share his room and toys and he is excited to teach Samuel "our words." He is always asking if we are going "to go get Samuel today." We often talk about how we are trying to save our money so that we can go get Samuel. So yesterday he sadly informed me that we weren't able to get Samuel because he (David) "used too many band-aids." (What???) Finally I realized that we had discussed earlier in the day how band-aids cost money and he is currently going through a faze where we are lucky if he is wearing less than 3 of them at any given time. Oh, and at least 2 of them will be covering up a whole lot of nothing. It's really just bribery to get him to stay in bed at night when the phantom "owies" attack. Poor little guy thought it was his fault we could not go get Samuel today.  Sometimes we forget how closely David is paying attention. As for Jessie... I think that she is pretty cool with the whole thing. At least she hasn't said any differently… We pray daily for God to prepare their little hearts as it will be a big adjustment for us all but especially for our little people (including Sam) who can't even come close to understanding everything that's happening. 

So what has been happening? So very much. To backtrack a bit it was back in March when we felt God leading us to pursue Samuel. We submitted our "Letter of Intent" to the powers-that-be asking for approval to be matched with Samuel and our request was approved in early April. Our dossier was submitted to our agency and it ran its course through there getting all of the necessary stamps and seals and fairy dust  needed in order to be ready for China. During this time my parents hosted an adoption fundraising garage sale. This garage sale was so "epic" that it deserves its own blog post. SERIOUSLY. (Fundraising is easily the most intimidating part of this process for me so I think it's important to share how God has been making it happen for us) So our dossier got the boot over to China about a month ago and we were logged in, translated and are apparently now in the "review" process. Can I ask for prayers right now because I've been hearing rumors that this part of the process is taking some adoptive families 4 months to get through. We would love for it not to be 4 months, but instead the 2-3 months we were originally expecting. I know that a month here or there may not seem like such a big deal but in the life of a 3 year old one month is significant. I want Samuel to know that I'm his Mommy as soon as possible. Once we get out of this phase it will likely be another 2 or so months after that until we can travel. 

So in the meantime we are continuing to fundraise, fill out more paperwork and do more required education. We were finally able to sell our Toyota Rav4, or I should more accurately say, God sold our Rav4. We were trying to sell it for a while but the Craigslist crazies were all falling through, and we just didn't feel all that comfortable with the guy who wanted to buy it for cash, sight unseen if we were willing to meet him in the parting lot of the mall IMMEDIATELY (Sorry dude, maybe we read it wrong but it kinda seemed like you were desperately trying to skip town. ) Anyways, so we ended up listing it elsewhere and a wonderful young family came to see it and decided it was perfect for them... which was just perfect for us… and they just happened to love Jesus too. Now they are a part of our story because selling the Rav4 was a huge piece of our fundraising puzzle. I can tell you that there was a dance party going on in a certain blue minivan last night on our way home (This might just be the first documented instance of our children being embarrassed to be seen with us ) God has again proven faithful. Why do we continue to be surprised? 

So today is special. Today I am going to send Sammy a photo album with pictures of us. I am so excited and pretty emotional. This is the first time that he will see his forever family. This is a very big deal so if you could please say a prayer for peace in his little heart because I can not even imagine what thoughts will be going through his mind. 

Thanks everyone for all of the love and support you've shown us thus far. We have the most amazing friends and family. We are humbled and blessed. So for now I will leave you with this adorable picture of "Sam-I-Am". This was probably taken when he was about two. I mean seriously people, how cute is that widow's peak?

China is Big.

Sometimes I forget that God cares about the details of my life. I usually get that He controls the big important things but I never would have faulted Him if He let the small stuff slip through the cracks. I mean He's pretty busy controlling the universe and all… but something happened a couple of weeks ago that brought me to my knees, and it was ALL about the details. God gave me a gift. It was as if He actually reached down to wrap me in a hug. 

Andy & I attended a conference entitled "Christian Alliance for Orphans" which took place in Chicago.  It was AMAZING conference and also amazingly big. There were 3,000+ people there and we were very excited to somehow run into our friend Amy (Hi Amy!) Amy was there with her friend who just happened to be from China which of course is thrilling to me as I am crazy about anything "China" right now. So Amy's friend, Hannah, works for an amazing foster home by the name of "New Day." As we shared our adoption story with her as well as what had happened with Benton she asked, "Are you talking about Bo Yu?"

SHE KNEW HIM (in case you were wondering, China is a big place with a lot of people.)

It turns out that our little Benton had been cared for by another great foster home called, "Little Flower." Hannah was able to give me the email address of his caretakers and show me pictures of him that I had never seen before! Most importantly she was able to reassure me that Benton (Bo Yu) was dearly loved and well taken care of. He did not die alone and he is greatly missed by those who care for him. When I got home I emailed "Little Flower" to thank them for everything they had done for Benton. In response they sent me a kind note as well as the link to 773 pictures of Benton as he grew up! When he passed away he was almost 3 years old. I'm pretty sure I don't have 773 pictures of David (who is currently 3)…however they loved Benton enough to take so many picture and I was able to see him grow virtually. Oh my heart. I just wanted to know that he was loved…and I got so much more. 

I never expected to receive any closure in regards to Benton's passing. I took time to grieve and when Andy & I felt "ready" we continued the process of finding our next child. BUT GOD….God is so good. When I think about all of the details that had to happen to bring Hannah face to face with us… there just are no words. God cares about the little things. He cared about my "mother's heart" for Benton. I am so thankful. 

Can I just tell you how crazy and amazing this journey has already been? Can I tell you that CAN'T WAIT to write my next blog post? Can you guess what it might be? 

Just wanted to give a shout out to those I referenced in this blog. I am thankful for you!:
Amy's Blog (Our friend who brought her little girl home from China last year)
Hannah's Blog (Our friend who works with New Day Foster Home)
Little Flower Projects (The foster home who cared for Benton)
New Day Foster Home (Foster home that Hannah works with)

God's Perfect Plan

Dear Benton,
Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven! 
I know you don't know me but I was hoping to be your mommy here on earth. We lived very far away from each other but I saw your pictures and I knew how your little heart was struggling. I also knew that we were supposed to be part of our family. Your pictures showed us such personality and it wasn't hard for me to imagine you playing with your big brother David and your little sister Jessie. You were going to change our lives. We were probably going to be spending a little more time in the hospital but you were totally worth it. 
When I got the call on January 13th that you had died I felt my heart break as I sunk to my knees. Why in the world had God brought us to this momentous decision only to yank you from us a mere two days later? Why did your little heart keep beating for almost 3 years only to give up right before you would find out that you had a family? You see, that's the part that I hate the most. I hate that you never knew that you were chosen and that a mommy and daddy were coming for you. I know that you were very young and perhaps too young to ever comprehend all that… but I just wanted you to know! I think that your caretakers loved you… but not the way your momma would have! 
Now instead of experiencing a momma's love, you get to experience Jesus's love which is infinitely better, I know. I can picture you running into Jesus's arms, pink skin (not blue) and heart pumping strong. So I can't be sad for a life lost because your's is just beginning. Someday I will get to hold you in my arms and I will introduce myself as your mommy… but you'll probably already know. 
Until then we have faith that God's plan continues for our family. I do not say that he has a "different" plan for us because you were ALWAYS part of the original one. As we studied your heart we felt ours soften. You helped us to become more compassionate, less selfish and more reliant on God than ever before. Some dear people have tried to comfort us by saying things like, "Maybe God was closing a door." or "This was obviously not the child God has chosen for you." But that is absolutely not true! This was a door we had to walk through because God had chosen you to be ours… if only for a few moments. Those are moments I would never give back. 
Now as we search for our next child we do it with hearts that have been forever touched by you, our little Chinese Peanut in Heaven. Thank you for holding on until we found you.

We miss you but we will see you soon.  
Love, 
Your Mommy 

Steady Plodding...

We are in the ever-so-exciting part of the adoption process know as the "home study." Now 3 out of the 4 meetings with our social worker have been completed and most of our paperwork has been sent in. My favorite part was when David took our social worker on the tour of the house taking great care to point out each and every smoke detector (this was NOT rehearsed.) We have been thrilled with our home study agency (not to be confused with our adoption agency, although we like them too) and our social worker has been wonderful to work with. I have heard that this is not always the case so we are thanking God for that.

We have now been in the adoption process for 4 months and at times it seems to be moving painfully slow however we are trusting in God's timing and not our own. I have heard so many adoption stories where parents were frustrated with circumstances beyond their control only to realize later on that it was only through those circumstances that they were able to find their child. We are trusting God to use all of our "delays" and "disappointments" to lead us directly to our Chinese Peanut.

Nope, we haven't chosen a child yet. Although truthfully we've chosen about 20 children. Our agency has a large list of "special needs" children who are waiting for their families. Andy & I have gone through their list and have made our own list of children who we feel drawn to. Unfortunately as of now they don't allow you to adopt 20 children at once so we have to try and pick ONE.  If you have had the pleasure (or displeasure) of hanging out with me for any amount of time you have heard me lament, "How do you pick a CHILD?!?" We have pictures, videos, files, descriptions, medical diagnosis…It all just seems so wrong but… necessary, I guess. The fact is that we don't get to pick our biological children. We go through labor and a tiny stranger is placed in our arms. We didn't get the chance to go through a checklist of what "special needs" we were willing to accept. We didn't get to see a video of our child showing off their skills. We just love them with everything we have in us. This is how it's supposed to work.

Strangely, we went through this same process when looking to buy a dog. I poured over pictures on the internet trying to figure out what dog would be best for us. Hundreds of pictures of sad dogs with descriptions of how they just need a family to love them. Now I'm doing it for our CHILD? Honestly, I kind of hate it.  Each child on the list is labeled "special needs" and if not adopted they will be subjected to a life that you and I can't even imagine… prostitution, thievery, government factory worker (which is where a lot of persecuted Christians are sent to do forced labor.) This is their reality. They were born into a society that values "perfection" and they have been found "lacking." 

So we are not adopting because we are bored or because we feel like it's the "good evangelical Christian" thing to do. We're not trying to "show off" or be "trendy" (I read an article claiming that suddenly adopting is the cool thing to do.)  Every snapshot we see is a child who has been created by God for a unique purpose. Each face is a precious life of infinite worth. They matter and they deserve a chance. They deserve to hear that Jesus loves them and that they will never be abandoned again. They deserve to be tucked into bed at night and hugged and told they are special. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM deserves this. How can I choose just one?

But then about the time that the panic sets in I am always reminded that I am not the one doing the choosing. 

It's not my call. God has already chosen our Chinese Peanut. He knows exactly who belongs in our family and even now he's preparing us for each other (of course I have to remind myself of this at least 50 times a day.) My job is to do a lot of paperwork and to make sure I'm listening to God and moving forward on his signal. The only way I can make it through this is because He's in charge. 

So it's December and things are crazy busy as usual. This year, however, is a little different for me. We will again be having beautiful Christmas celebrations with our family and friends, however, there is an ache in my heart because on the other side of the world there is a little Chinese Peanut who is mine just as surely as David and Jessie are. My child is not here yet and they don't yet know that they are loved…but Lord willing next year at this time they WILL know beyond a shadow of a doubt. So this year we hang a few Chinese ornaments on the tree and hang all of our hope on Jesus. 

I Will Brush My Hair

Blogging is hard. Then again maybe it is just hard for me. I've been wanting to write a post for a while now but every time I plop down in the comfy yellow chair with my laptop the kiddos sense that I am about to focus on something that doesn't involve them. This usually means that David will "cannon ball" into my lap and Jessie will furiously crawl to me with a wild look of anticipation as she attempts to attack the glowing silver "book." I've been accused of exaggerating once or twice in my life, but I kid you not, this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME.
So this is a magical moment for me. Andy has taken the kiddos on a trip to the car wash. I just finished an entire cup of hot/warmish coffee and am happily sitting in the comfy yellow chair. I should probably blog about something deep and meaningful.

Ok, so I think I might be crazy. There were about 65 times during this past week that I informed God that I can't handle another child. I only have 2 children. That is not a lot but what if I'm just not one of those people who can handle any more? I am already rocking the yoga pants and sweatshirts on a fairly daily basis. What will a 3rd child do to me? Sometimes I forget to comb my hair (sorry Andy.) Anyways...

This Wednesday we go down to Indy to meet with our home study agency. We chose an out-of-state adoption agency so that means we have a separate home study agency. Apparently we just wanted to make it more difficult on ourselves because not only did we have to find our own home study agency but it also has to be accredited by China's standards. We've come to realize that China is kind of "above and beyond" when it comes to adoption. They are super serious about the vetting process and while I believe this is a very good thing it adds some steps (and money) to the process. So our orientation meeting is scheduled for Wednesday. Between now and then we will practice our biggest (but not creepy) smiles and work on being as charming as possible. You really want your social worker to like you right? From what I hear this is when the flurry of paperwork will begin. I promise to plant a few trees to make up for the ones that will have to die for our cause. 

Beyond preparing for that, we're doing a lot of waiting, thinking and praying. So many of our family and friends have already come up along side us and have shown their support. We are so grateful for you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! AND...
If you're already sick of listening to us talk about our adoption then we apologize but really can't promise it will get any better. You might just have to de-friend us for a while. This is pretty much the biggest thing going on for us right now. 

So I'm going to go now and enjoy at least 5 minutes of absolute silence...
and I'll "see" you next time Andy takes the kids out! I love my husband.

Who's Idea Was This Anyways?

So is it just me or does everyone reheat their coffee at least 5 times every day? That might actually be a good day. A bad day is when the hubby opens the microwave at night to make his popcorn and with raised eyebrows hands me my half full icy cup of sad forgotten coffee. I gave my blog this title after trying out cutesy options such as "Runyan Ramblings." Yeah... that's not going to work. So to more accurately portray my life I landed on the phrase which my poor 3 year old hears many times a day,

David: "Mommy, can we go outside?"

Me: "Yes, but let me reheat my coffee."

David: "Mommy, can we read a book?"

Me: "Yes, let me reheat my coffee first. Wait. Where is my coffee???? (opens microwave) Okay, let me RE-reheat my coffee."

So I feel you should know that I do not drink huge amounts of coffee every day. I only drink 2 cups but it takes me ALL day to do it. Okay. Hello? Are you still here?
I promise you this blog is not going to be all about coffee.

This blog IS all about our decision to adopt. Although to say it more accurately it is about God's decision that we should adopt. In reality this was not OUR idea. God planted this seed in our minds first as a passing thought, then as a "what if?", and finally he surrounded us (bombarded even) with friends, family and random people (some met while buying a stroller on Craigslist) who had adopted or were in the process of adopting. 

As for the reason I have decided to blog about all this, well this is obviously the easiest way to keep a lot of friends and family updated on where we are in this process. Many people who read this blog are going to be part of our child's life. We want them to be able to pray with us, get excited with us, and maybe get a little stressed out with us too. :-) We can't do this alone. Our friends and family are so important to us. 

Another reason I decided to jump on the "blog bandwagon" is because of the huge impact that various adoption blogs had on me when I was trying to figure out what God was saying to me. So many questions were answered and the unknown seemed much less scary somehow. I read many posts with tears running down my face and I was hit with such a feeling of, "Yes! This is your heart! What are you waiting for?" Of course part of it was the fact that I am not alone in this. I have a dear wonderful husband (who at the current moment is cleaning up my house so I can finish this post in peace.) Also as we all know men and women are different and process things differently (um... understatement of the year?) So it was up to God to bring Andy and I into complete agreement over this incredibly important decision. I was not going to push and guilt him into this. If you are interested in hearing his side of the story follow him on his blog here at Andy's Blog. I am so blessed by him and proud of his desire to blog about this. He was frustrated by the lack of husband support on the internet when it came to adoption. Everything seemed to be geared toward the women. So he decided that an adoption blog written by a man would be a helpful thing to encourage other men whose wives have gone crazy... :-) 

It comes down to this. There is an orphan crisis in our world. If my blog can nudge even one person to pray harder, give a little money, or adopt a child who needs a family then I will have succeeded. 
So whether you're here for the long haul or have already decided to jump ship, thanks for stopping by.